Monday, July 27, 2009

Things were as i suspected but it doesn't mean that a person still won't get shaken by the news. Suspecting it and really confirming it is two different matter and that im still kinda shaken a little at the news...

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {5:56 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

i just really cant tell it why.... why im feeling this why. why i am so down so depressed. i cant identify the cause of it... and it makes me really really bothered cuz i cant identify it i cant seem to voice it out no matter how much soul searching or brooding or thinking i do... what is the problem with me????

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.
~author unknown~

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {10:35 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Monday, July 20, 2009

I can't really say it for sure but somehow i feel like i'm slipping losing it again. Grasping elusive threads for an answer... Maybe it's because of how events has been recently... Or maybe it's just cuz i havent found my reason. A reason to continue to pursue and dream. Who am i? Im so confused... Somehow i can sense that because of my ability to do anything for a person i care about i end up losing out maybe? i don't know... So confused....Its making me so moody and im trying to deal with it and not be so moody...

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {5:24 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Sunday, July 19, 2009

no fever anymore.... but still having cough.....

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {7:59 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Friday, July 17, 2009

silly fever of mine one min there is no fever and the nxt fever again... ><

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {4:08 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Monday, July 13, 2009

why this kind of timing sick???? i'm in class typing blog coughing head feels like splitting open and shivering cold like siao feel so miserable... then still have to tahan until maths exam over... i cant wait to get home and into bed

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {11:11 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

i don't know... all of a sudden i feel so heavy again.... like buried under something i can't tell... and my moods are getting terribly erratic again.... i'm lashing out way too easily at the smallest reason... Maybe it's the pressure of exams ? i don't know... All i get is a very bad feeling tat something bad will happen... i don't know why >.< Prob just me and my whacked out sense of feeling... i lashed out twice in a week.... what's wrong with me?? why do i have a nagging sense that things are gonna get worse...

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
~Stephen Levine~

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {6:53 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

I shouldnt have lashed out... so so sorry....

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {6:44 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Sunday, July 05, 2009

i have no idea why but on a spur of moment i suddenly asked my mum to get me chicken soup teen talk tough times.... i wonder why i did that

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {4:26 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Thursday, July 02, 2009

haiz.... i seem to be digging out old stuff... personal stuff and i guess it wouldnt kill to share the one serious attempt at expressing my emotions at that time...

Unhealable scar,
Swaying in solitude and anxiety.
I’m going away from my existence.

Deep despair attacks me.
In the darkness of the night,
Depressing my heart.

Nobody knows who I really am
Nothing is going the way it should
Shivering and in tears, I repress all my regret
I surrendered myself to a dismal emptiness
In the most critical of times
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't quite reach

With my heart locked away
I don a cold demeanor and a mask
Who knows
My honest face?

The more we live, the more we lose.
Even so, I don’t want to throw away my dreams of tomorrow.
And even if sadness is the reason,
I want to hold you tight.

In a time where streets, people and dreams change,
I could only oppose them.
I still did not realise,
That there are things that can’t be conveyed even with words...

I’ve chosen a path that can never be easy,
No matter what I do.
Not being able to brush off the smears of sands from my shoe.
There’s no other way in which I can live
If it were you,
You’d surely be in the laughter of summer.

Even now, you still haven’t noticed this quiet sky,
I’m always thinking of it,
But I can no longer return there.

My flawed heart still embraces the night, even as it burns out.
The light again falls through the sky,
Sacrificing it’s warmth only for hope.

If you closed your eyes, you won’t gaze into sadness.
If you forget the feeling of warmth, you won’t feel pain.

Why do you with your small hands,
Try to carry all these wounds on your back?
Why am I while hesitating unable to escape?
Why do people hurt each other?
Why do partings come about?
The form of this heart and this path changes.
But there is a wish that never disappears.

The night is wavering in the water.
The greening shore is so still and silent.
That it is so painful.

A little ship glitters silently alone.
Swept away by a torrent of grief,
It disappears under the waves of my heart.
Why do I search the ocean depths aimlessly,
For the warmth I should not have known.

To have an unbroken dream,
Is to be fighting with oneself.
In these hands of mine is nothing but solitude

My teardrops remain hidden as they are.
I outline the looking glass.
To you, I am your darkened sadness.

In this quiet night,
I’m waiting for you.
During that time, your smile has faded away,
From when my smile has faded this much,
Since it was shattered by one mistake.
At the place where the stars fall,
I’m always wishing for your laughter.
Because I believe in this desolate winter sky...

its like a mixture of well erm songs tat i found pretty meaningful... and about songs i recently found one song i really thought expressed it.... in someways u can say its a bit like me...

Song: AgainArtist: YUIAlbum: AgainOther: Opening song for the anime Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood
yume no tsudzukioi kaketeita hazu nano ni
I should have been chasing the continuation of my dream,

magarikunetta hosoimichi hito ni tsumazuku
but I got distracted by the peopleon this thin road that took a sharp turn.

ano koro mitai ni tte modoritai wake janai no
It’s not that I want to go back to the days of back then,

nakushitekita sora wo sagashiteru
I’m just searchingf or the sky I’ve lost…

wakattekuremasu youni
Please understand.

gisei ni natta youna kanashii kao ha yamete yo
It seem I’ve become the victim,so stop showing that sad face…

tsumi no saigo ha namida janai yo zutto kurushiku sei makettekunda
Tears are not the end of crime…they’re the painful shape of losing…

deguchi mienai kansei meiro ni dare wo matteru no?
I can’t see the exit of this sensitive maze,who am I wating for?

shiroi NO-TO ni tsudzutta youni motto suano ni hikidashitai yo
I write it down in my blank notebook,I want to bring out my honest self.

nani kara nigaretainda
What was I running from?

…genjittsu tte yatsu?
…from reality?

kanaeru tame ni ikiterundatte
To make my wish come true,I’ll contine living,

wasurechai souna yoru no mannaka
to not forget,within the center of the night,

bunan ni nante yatte rarenai kara
I won’t make a place to escape.

…kaeru basho mo nai no
…There isn’t a place to go back to…

kono omoi wo keshiteshimau ni ha mada jinsei nagai deshou?
I’ll erase this feeling…I still have a long life don’t I?

natsukashiku naru konna itami mo kangeijan
I’m missing the feeling…so this pain is also welcomed!

ayamaranakucha ikenai yo ne ah GOMEN ne
I must apologize…Aa, I’m sorry…

umaku ienakute shinpai kaketa mama datta ne
I can’t say it correctly,I’ve always made you worry haven’t I?

ano hi kakaeta zenbu ashita kakaeru zenbu
Back then you accepted everything,and in the future, you’ll accept everything.

junban tsuketari ha shinai kara
I won’t makea waiting list…

wakattekuremasu youni
Please understand.

sotto me wo tojitanda mitakunai mono mademiendamon
I gently closed my eyes until I couldn’t see the things I didn’t want to see.

iranai UWASA ni chotto hajimete kiku hatsugen docchi?
From the useless rumors,which one was it that I heard of first?

nikai attara tomodachi da tte?USO ha yamete ne
“We were friends after the 2nd meeting”??Stop lying…

akai HA-TO ga iradatsu youni karadannaka moeteirunda
My red heart irritated me,it burned up my whole body.

HONTO hakitai shitenno
Truth is…I had some hope…

…genjitsu tte yatsu?
…from reality?

kanaeru tame ni ikiterundatte
To make my wish come true,I’ll contine living,

sakebitaku naru yo kikoeteimasuka?
I want to scream out…can you hear me?

bunan ni nante yatterarenai kara
I won’t make a place to escape.

…kaeru basho mo nai no
…There isn’t a place to go back to…

yasashisa ni ha itsumo kansha shiteru dakara tsuyoku naritai
I’m thankful for your tenderness,that’s why I want to be stronger.

susumu tame ni teki mo mikata mo kangeijan
To continue forward,I welcome both enemies and allies.

dou yatte sugi no DOA akerundakke? kangaeteru?
How do I open the next door? Are you thinking of a way?

mou hikikaesenai monogatari hajimatterunda
We can’t go back again,the story has already started.

me wo semase me wo semase
Open your eyes, open your eyes.

kono omoi wo keshiteshimau ni ha mada jinsei nagai desho?
I’ll erase this feeling…I still have a long life don’t I?

yarinokoshiteru KOTO yarinaoshitemitai kara
The thing I left behind once again…I want to try to re-do it once again…

mou ichido yukou
Let’s try once again.

kanaeru tame ni ikiterundatte
To make my wish come true,I’ll contine living,

sakebitakunaru yo kikoetaimasuka?
I want to scream out…can you hear me?

bunan ni nante yatterarenai kara
I won’t make a place to escape.

…kaeru basho mo nai no
…There isn’t a place to go back to…

yasashisa ni ha itsumo kansha shiteru dakara tsuyoku naritai
I’m thankful for your tenderness,that’s why I want to be stronger.

natsukashiku naru konna itami mo kangeijan
I’m missing the feeling…so this pain is also welcomed!

i guess seeing the counseller is helping a little but i still have a long way to go on the healing process...

FairyTales are beautiful lies ; {5:32 AM}
_________________________________________________________